“I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.” -Flannery O’Connor

The lack of motivation I possess to do the things that I must do as a person who inhabits the Earth sometimes astonishes me. I am most certainly not lazy. Not that I need to prove it to you, but my absurd and uncanny knack for procrastination in my personal life is ridiculous.

When I say personal life, I don’t mean the kind of personal life most people are referring to when they talk about their lives outside of work that include family and friends. I’m not usually lazy in that department. I also dont mean cleaning my house or my cat’s litter box, either. What I’m referring to would be things that are solely beneficial to me. I can look at my blog over the last year and count over twenty posts that I began to write, but never finished. What is that but lazy? As much as I love to write, I don’t make, take, find (take your pick) the time to do it as much as I should, and I’m really perplexed as to why this is.

Something that would incline me to believe my personal, personal laziness is not really laziness at all, would be my propensity for searching for the right book to read, rather than just beginning to read a book. I have almost wasted an entire day searching for the right book, when I could have finished an entire book, plus part of another, in that length of time. The pitiful part is, when I choose a book to start reading, it is usually none other than the one that was on my mind to read in the first place.

I’m not one to make resolutions. New Year’s resolutions, that is. I guess the rebellious part of myself still doesn’t like to follow the norm. But as I continue down the path to year 31, I regularly surprise myself. I bucked at the change of being off on weekends/nights and having a “normal” job at first. It just plain made me feel odd, out of place, and lonely. Now, if I don’t make plans on the weekends, I find myself content with reading by candlelight, spending hours looking at recipes, or cooking. How fast life can change.

I am not restless, and I am not unhappy. I am loved, and I am grateful, so don’t get the wrong idea. I do believe I am a perfectionist in many ways, and I have a tendency to over think things. My lack of personal, personal motivation is a long time companion that I am hoping to kick to the curb, because work/school deadlines and the loyalty we share with family and friends are undoubtedly of paramount importance, but sometimes in those quiet moments alone, I must do more than daydream of what I want to become. I must really live.

On that note, I’m going to do some yoga.

Yours Truly,
Amanda Dawn

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